False Alarm (Feb. 27, 1971, March 10, 1971)

From the novel, “End of the Dream”

(Feb. 27, 1971)

Garrick’s purple van huffed and puffed at the curb in front of my East Sixth Street apartment, tail pipe blowing clouds of fumes as t struggled against the subfreezing temperatures.

I saw them out the front window of my apartment, Garrick behind the wheel with Jimmy in the passenger side, the two of them steaming up the windshield with their usual verbal dispute, although I could not tell what they were arguing about this time, or what they were doing in front of my apartment since they had to have driven there from New Jersey.

So, I went out to see, and had to tap on the passenger side window to get their attention when I did.

This startled Jimmy at first – assuming I suppose I might be a cop. I thought I saw him move his hand to hide the 35 mm film canister in which he usually kept his pot.

He relaxed a bit when he saw it was me and rolled down the window and inch – trying not to let the heat out or the cold in.

“So, there you are!” he said. “Where’s your girlfriend? Frank told us she was having the baby.”

“It was a false alarm” I said. “I called Frank back to tell him. He was supposed to tell you.”

“Well, he didn’t,” Jimmy snarled, jaw shifting from side to side as if he had a bad taste in his mouth. “And we broke our asses getting here, too. Some people,” Jimmy nodded in the direction of Garrick, “didn’t want to get out of bed.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want to get up,” Garrick grumbled – a large man whose face was hidden in shadow, though his bear-like shape filled that whole half of the van, his bulging stomach illuminated by the slanted light from the street lamp through the front windshield. “I just knew this wasn’t going to be it.”

“How did you know?” Jimmy asked sharply. “Did you get another one of your Goddamn moments of psychic inspiration?”

“I just knew that’s all.”

“If you knew, then why did you bother driving all the way here?”

“If I didn’t, you would have bitched at me for a week,” Garrick said.

“You’re not the one I want to bitch at,” Jimmy said bitterly, and then to me asked, “Where the hell is Frank?”

“The last time I saw him he was headed to the west side with his latest romance,” I said.

“Fine mess he’s gotten us into,” Jimmy said. “By this time, he’s probably home in bed while we’re still running around out here in the cold.”

“I don’t think he’s home or asleep,” I said.

“All the worse,” Jimmy said. “I’m still going to kill him for not calling back.”

“Maybe we should take him for a ride in the country and leave him there,” Garrick mumbled, mocking Jimmy for something Jimmy might have suggested himself.

“With the way you drive, we wouldn’t make it,” Jimmy said.

“I don’t drive that bad.”

“Tell that to all the drivers who gave us the finger on the way here after you nearly ran them off the road.”

“I can’t help it that they wouldn’t get out of the way – after all, you’re the one who was in a hurry to get here.”

“Out of your way? Some of those people were pulled off on the shoulder when you weaved in and out of that lane just as you were all the others. Lucky the cops didn’t see us, or we’d be in some drunk tank somewhere.”

“But we weren’t drinking.”

“So much the worse.”

“So, what do you want me to do now?” Garrick asked.

“Since Al’s girlfriend isn’t having her baby at this exact moment, I suggest you take us home – but slowly.”

“What about Frank?”

“We can kill him later,” Jimmy said, and then to me. “Next time calls us directly when the time comes. We want to be here when it happens.”

I nodded.

Jimmy closed the window and motioned at Garrick, who engaged the gears of the purple van and drove off, trailing blue smoke.

*********************

March 10, 1971

Someone pounded on the door from the street, jolting me out of my haze.

“Open up, will you!” a voice shouted.

“Jimmy?” I asked.

“No, it’s Santa Claus. I’m only three months late because you forgot to put a return address on your Christmas letter. Open up or do we have to knock down the door?”

  I opened the door. Jimmy barged in.

“So, where is she? Or we on another wild goose chase?”

“She’s at the hospital having the baby.”

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“They threw me out.”

“Out of the hospital? But you’re the brat’s Goddamn father.”
“They suggested I leave, or they would call the police. I don’t think they liked my long hair.”

“Fuck them. We’ll go see about that. Get your coat.”

We went out to the van where Garrick and Frank waited.

“Drive us to the hospital,” Jimmy said.

“Where?” Garrick said.

“The hospital. What are you deaf? Oh, yeah, you are. Just do it.”

“Oh great! Now we’re an ambulance. Am I ever going to get any sleep?”

“Just drive.”

“Through midtown traffic, no less?”

“We’re doing this for Al.”

“All right, all right,” Garrick said and engaged the gears.

Pauly turned around in the front seat, grinned, and asked, “So what else is new?”

When we reached the hospital, Jimmy directed Garrick to pull up to the emergency room door, and then climbed out.

“Wait here,” he told Garrick.

“I can’t. The sign says no parking.”

“Just do what you’re told,” Jimmy said.

“And have them tow me away?”

“They won’t tow you if you’re in the van and move it when they tell you to and don’t go far away if you do. I don’t want to have to search Manhattan trying to find you.”

“All right. Get this over with. I want to go back to bed.”

Jimmy and Frank escorted me through the emergency room doors.

The waiting room was filled with scores of the walking dead, hard core drug addicts and others who groaned and moaned in the plastic chairs waiting for their turn to see the doctors.

Frank made his way to the front desk and was already in dispute with the nurse for having turned me away earlier, telling her that I’m the kids’ Goddamn father and I had every right to wait to find out when the kid got born.

The nurse threatened to call security if we did not leave.

“You can come back during visiting hours,” she said.

“Fuck you, lady,” Jimmy said. “We’re staying. You call the cops we’ll get you fired.”

The nurse sighed. “All right. Sit over there,” she said, directing us to several chairs. “But you can’t all stay. Just the father and one other.”

“Stay with him, Frank,” Jimmy said. “Call us when you find out if it’s a boy or girl.”