January 14, 1980
I feel stupid around Jimmy, like
a poor sputtering clown at whom people are supposed to laugh, and more than a
little jealous over Jimmy's quick mind. I bring some new-found romance around
him and she finds his wit attractive. I want to blame him, but the error is
mine. I've stunted my intellectual growth and struggle clumsily around, groping
for replies to him.
For all his talents, however, he
has become shallow with only a thin veneer of interest like honey spread across
a bitter pill. Underneath, he has no patience for romance or me. And yet, I am
brutalized by it, needing to compete with his cleverness, trying to have depth
and wit at the same time.
I am not practiced at such
duels. Jimmy has spent his life perfecting superficiality, and I, like a plodding
turtle, seek deeper things, going insane with my inability to have both. I
suppose any woman lost so easily isn't worth having, eh?
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