Jimmy as a Michelangelo work of art (Sept 1, 1983)

September 1, 1983

Oh well, Jimmy is in, and it strikes me for the first time how lonely he really is.

Our temporary roommate, Clayton, too.

Last night, Jimmy and Clayton – like 17-year-old boys – discussed the finer points of women.

Jimmy seems unaware of his ability to love and be loved. This might explain his problems with Ginger.

Of all the men in the world who can win the heart of a woman, Jimmy can.

Sometimes it is only for a brief moment in time, that tick of the clock when he seems the wonder of all wonders.

There are one or two who came close, but none it would seem had the same impact as Ginger. No one else won more than a token sign of affection from him.

Now, approaching the age of 34, he suffers the anguish all men do, frustration and doubt, the uncertainty of his own appeal.

After years of people like me, Garrick, Ralph, Frank and others envying his self-confidence, Jimmy appears remarkably vulnerable, making us fools for believing he was any different than we are.

This is the same mistake we make about women, assuming those we are attracted to are more confident than we are. We foolishly believe others control their emotions better than we do.

I suspect Jimmy like the rest of us lives with the idiotic notion that we must present a stoic front, playing roles intended to give the impression of self-confidence while behind this mask we struggle.

In my case, I play the role of a semi-intellectual. Clayton hides behind a mask of silence.  Jimmy wears a mask of the genius hermit, a very successful stone wall through which I could rarely glimpse the real James.

But inside, Jimmy is no more stone than either of us are. He quakes with the idea of failure.

Clayton admits his weakness; so, he shows his true self more easily.

I have tougher skin, cemented with bricks of ego, pride and stubbornness, which takes an emotional earthquake to reveal – which has happened a few times.

But how does one get to the truth inside Jimmy without damaging the Michelangelo-like façade he has built around himself, without cracking the artwork?

Ginger helped, creating tiny wedges through which we can glimpse the real Jimmy, cracks he’s desperate to repair to keep his exterior intact.

Last night, he could not keep these closed, speaking frankly and bitterly about life and romance, creating a new façade made out of anger that would keep us from seeing just how vulnerable he really is.

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